Беременность, дети, семья… я думала, это не про меня!

«Всему своё время…» Как же, всё-таки, верно заметил Соломон. Вот и настало моё время, теперь я мама двоих просто сногсшибательных девчурок.

 

А ведь совсем недавно в моей жизни был период, когда я не представляла себя в роли матери. Тогда я с ужасом восприняла рекомендацию доктора рожать в течение ближайшего года. Это было после первой операции.

«Какой ребёнок? Вы что?! Мне учиться, мне работать, да мне рано ещё рожать, о чём вы говорите?!»

Я сама считала себя ребёнком и никак не готова была решиться на такой шаг.

И не решилась.

Прошло почти десять лет.

Желание почувствовать себя мамой пришло постепенно. Появился тот, рядом с которым хотелось быть женщиной, женой, любимой, дарить тепло, заботу, нежность и любовь.

С детьми своих друзей я всегда находила общий язык, они любили проводить со мной время, нам всегда было интересно вместе. Я обожала этих маленьких проказников и забывала с ними обо всём. Обнимая знакомых карапузов, я думала о том, как мне хочется держать на руках своего ребёнка, отдавать ему свою любовь, слышать слово «мама» и чувствовать тепло его маленькой ладошки в своей руке. Мне казалось, что с рождением малыша наша семья, наконец, станет полноценной, настоящей, ещё более счастливой, что ли?..

Прогнозы врачей не утешали. Первая попытка закончилась ещё одной, уже экстренной, операцией, когда я побывала на волосок от смерти.

Первую удачную беременность я, можно сказать, не выносила, а вылежала в больнице и дома. О том, сколько диагнозов и страшных перспектив на протяжении этих девяти месяцев я выслушала от врачей, ни вспоминать, ни писать об этом желания никакого нет.

Роды длились 14(!) часов, из которых я только помню один миг, когда её, наконец, положили мне на живот и… она впервые открыла глаза! Это были бездонные тёмно-синие огромные глаза, в которых я утонула навсегда. Самые прекрасные, родные, дорогие и просто невообразимо изумительные глаза – глаза моей дочери.

Радости моей не было предела. Я была счастлива абсолютно, как может быть счастлива мать. В материнство я ушла с головой, проходя через всё… страх уронить, прижать, заснуть, бессонные ночи и бесконечно одинаковые дни, постоянная усталость, головные боли, ни одной свободной секунды, очень редкие и короткие моменты тишины, в которые я просто отключалась вместе с малышом. Никакого желания кого-либо видеть и слышать, в том числе самых близких.

В семье начало расти непонимание, муж стал дольше пропадать на работе, стали накапливаться взаимные претензии, обиды и упрёки, молчаливое игнорирование проливалось громкими скандалами, слезами и истериками.

Между нами появилась стена. Такой долгожданный ребёнок, казалось, должен был укрепить семью, но почему-то всё происходило с точностью наоборот. Наша семья рушилась. Мы всё реже разговаривали друг с другом, с трудом переносили необходимость находится в одном доме, мы постепенно начинали ненавидеть друг друга, делая счастливые лица в присутствии дочки. Ни о каком втором ребёнке речи и быть не могло.

Никто уже не скажет, сколько времени это лицемерное лжесосуществование могло бы продолжаться, потому что как раз в этот момент я попала на тренинг по системно-векторной психологии Юрия Бурлана. А счёт нашей совместной жизни уже пошёл на дни…

Каждое новое занятие я ждала, как ждут глотка воды в пустыне. Я впитывала новое знание, как губка, думая только об одном – хочу знать всё об этом! Каждое слово лектора отзывалось чем-то знакомым где-то глубоко внутри. Было ощущение, что всё это я всегда знала, только почему-то забыла когда-то, а теперь вот вспомнила. Сижу и улыбаюсь этому.

Я узнавала себя, узнавала родных, друзей, просто посторонних людей, свою дочь, узнавала заново, словно никогда не была знакома с ними. Всякий раз мне хотелось воскликнуть «Ах, вот оно что!», а следующим утром я взахлёб рассказывала, перебивая сама себя и перепрыгивая с мысли на мысль, то, что услышала и поняла на тренинге. На меня смотрели… со снисхождением и лёгким оттенком снобизма, воспринимая тренинги, как новое хобби.

Тем временем менялась моя жизнь. Постепенно, понемногу, день за днём формировалось системное мышление и так же постепенно и поразительно гармонично входило в мою жизнь. Менялось отношение к людям, уходила неприязнь, таяли обиды, претензии, поступки людей воспринимались по-другому, собственные решения, мысли и слова воспринимались иначе.

…и почему-то, неожиданно и совсем странно как-то муж предложил поездку, и ещё более странно, что я согласилась…

А через месяц мой доктор будет поражаться: «Не представляю себе, как это у вас получилось, этого просто не могло быть! Не с тобой! Ну, теперь будем сохранять».

И сохранили! Не только беременность, а сохранили нашу семью. Просто открыли заново наши отношения, узнали друг друга с тех сторон, с которых не знали и не пытались узнать никогда раньше. Мы стали чувствовать друг друга, мы начали прощать друг другу такие вещи, из-за которых ещё несколько месяцев назад уже разгорелся бы скандал.

Та запоминающаяся поездка стала нашим вторым медовым месяцем. Что-то круто изменилось в нас обоих, мы излучали позитив, излучали радость от того, что просто проводим вместе время, мы дорожили друг другом, дорожили каждой минутой, каждым мигом, проведённым вдвоём. Мы напоминали сумасшедших 18-летних молодожёнов. Это ощущалось даже на расстоянии. К нам тянулись люди, с нами хотелось общаться, веселиться, просто быть рядом с нами было приятно. Какой-то переключатель щёлкнул и перешёл с минуса на плюс. Наблюдать эти перемены было просто удивительно.

Вторая дочура родилась в атмосфере любви и практически полного взаимопонимания. Общие планы, перспективы совместного будущего, мы проводили вместе столько времени, сколько вообще было возможно, у нас дома снова стали появляться наши друзья, мы стали вместе путешествовать и отдыхать всей большой семьёй. Мы счастливы!

Сейчас оглядываясь назад я не знаю, что было бы, если бы не тренинг. Скорее бы, что не было ничего. Не было бы перемен в наших отношениях, да, и отношений, скорее всего, бы никаких уже не было, не было бы той знаменательной поездки, и, безусловно, не было бы просто невозможной беременности и этой прекрасной лучезарной девочки. Ведь говорили же мне доктора, что в моём случае это нереально.

“Это невозможно!” – сказала причина.

“Это безрассудство!” – заметил опыт.

“Это бесполезно!” – отрезала гордость.

“Попробуй…!” – шепнула мечта.

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