Самообман Звука, или Как я съехала в примитив

Целый день, нет, всю неделю пытаюсь заставить себя что-то делать… но делаю только одно – читаю. Ухожу в произведения с головой, живу героями, их чувствами, их жизнями, их мыслями. Каждую свободную минуту снова и снова погружаюсь в мир иллюзий, фантастики и мистики.

Знаю, что авторы очень близки мне по духу, мне импонирует их стиль и завораживает манера изложения. Легкая недосказанность и изящная интрига заставляет открывать все новые и новые произведения. Глубокие смыслы и суровые события заставляют задуматься о многом, предположить другой вариант развития сюжета.

Читаю далеко за полночь, очередной раз встаю с головной болью, и снова при первой же возможности бросаюсь в знакомый мир ставших уже почти родными героев.

Все дела отброшены, все начатые проекты заморожены, я придумала себе мини каникулы, вот!

Почему же тогда мне так плохо? Почему я не хочу никого видеть и слышать? Ловлю себя на мысли, что этот реальный мир меня жутко раздражает, а тот, иллюзорный кажется настолько прекрасным, почти идеальным, что я не хочу возвращаться оттуда. Здесь все эти крики, суета, быт, вынужденное общение с теми, кто меня не понимает, кто никогда не думал о том, что не такой, как все, кого ни разу не тяготило это ощущение непохожести, и кто ни одного мгновения своей жизни не думал о… смерти.

Что со мной?!

Импровизированный отдых должен был меня освежить, взбодрить, придать сил и энергии для плодотворной работы, а происходит что-то полностью противоположное. Все меньше хочется что-то делать, все реже возникает желание вообще выходить из дома, за то все больше хочется просто снова открыть очередную книгу и нырнуть. И нырять все глубже и заплывать все дальше, а еще лучше… уплыть туда навсегда.

Стоп, стоп, стоп! Мне не нравится происходящее.

Неимоверным усилием заставляю себя закрыть книгу, даже отключить интернет, и… задуматься, а лучше всего я думаю открыв чистый документ и положив руки на клавиатуру.

Так-так, происходит скорее всего именно то, о чем я сама пишу в своих статьях.

Смешно! Сапожник без сапог.

За собственными рационализациями я не сразу разобралась, что на самом деле творится, а происходит элементарная подмена! Подмена реальности, попытка заменить настоящую жизнь иллюзорной. Глупая попытка уйти от себя, от собственных потребностей путем имитации жизни. Как же это наивно и смешно?!

Говоря системными определениями, я пыталась наполнить нехватки звукового вектора более простым, доступным, легким и, конечно, более примитивным способом, нежели делала это раньше. Поддалась искушению и не устояла перед тем, чтобы броситься в омут с головой. Какая глупость!

Нет, чтение само по себе – это прекрасно, оно вдохновляет, расширяет кругозор, заставляет думать и творить, но когда это самое чтение становится самоцелью, сам процесс переноса в другую реальность превращается в способ побега от жизни, вот тогда литературные угощения становятся ядом и отравляют существование нарастающими нехватками в звуке.

Реализовать психологические потребности путем только лишь потребления невозможно. Не создавая ничего нового посредством напряжения собственной мысли, собственных свойств, данных от природы, не выдавая никаких социальных благ вовне, наружу, от себя в общество, людям, наполнить нехватки любого вектора можно лишь частично. Это даже нельзя назвать наполнением, так, снятие напряжения – очень скупое и быстропроходящее. Да, легкое, да, быстрое, но слишком зыбкое и поверхностное. Именно поэтому оно соблазняет, искушает повторить его снова и снова, опять и опять, сегодня и завтра.

Ну, еще час почитаю – и за работу… вот, еще один уровень в игре пройду – и доделаю то, что начал… все, эту последнюю серию досмотрю – и сразу включусь в процесс… так проходят часы, дни, недели, года.

Но нет наслаждения от такой жизни. Нет полноценного удовлетворения. Есть иллюзия облегчения боли – недостаточная, чтобы называться реализацией свойств, но достаточно соблазнительная, чтобы повторять ее снова, чтобы бежать туда, в выдуманный мир, обманываясь собственными рационализациями, уходить все дальше от себя и от реальности, а значит и от возможности хоть раз ощутить настоящее наслаждение от того, что ты сам реализуешь свойства, данные тебе от рождения.

Наслаждение, несравнимое ни с чем из того, что ты ощущал до этого. Искренняя радость, удовлетворение, даже гордость за себя… это сложно передать словами. Чувство наполненности, осмысленности, значимости твоих усилий. Впервые в жизни ты прикасаешься, слегка дотрагиваешься, даже нет, скорее лишь приближаешься к тому, чтобы понять смысл своего существования. Твоя жизнь обретает легкий оттенок того глубокого смысла, который вложил в нее Создатель.

Наполняясь хоть частично, самым краешком этой психологической глыбы под названием звуковой вектор, ты впервые в жизни приоткрываешь плотную завесу своих реальных возможностей. Ты с трудом осознаешь, какая бездна потенциала всю жизнь оставалась невостребованной, но при этом тут же понимаешь, что реализовать полностью ее просто не получится. Это невозможно. Но раньше у тебя не было и этого! Раньше была просто боль, одно только страдание – невысказанное, неосознанное, неоформленное, где-то глубоко внутри, определяясь липким и тягучим словом депрессия.

Единожды попробовав насладиться процессом хоть отдаленно напоминающим реализацию звуковых свойств, ты просто задыхаешься от нахлынувших мыслей. Понимая сколько возможностей было упущено, нет, сколько качеств никогда еще не было тобой задействовано, сколько потребностей ни разу еще не было удовлетворено, для скольких свойств никогда не было даже попытки их наполнения, ты, с глупой улыбкой на лице, понимаешь, сколько наслаждения от жизни ты потенциально можешь получить! От этого земля уходит из-под ног, начинает кружится голова и…

Стоп! Голова. Не может быть?!.

Впервые за последние четыре дня у меня не болит голова, и я даже не заметила, как это произошло. Просто разобравшись, что со мной происходит, включив мыслительный процесс и начав реализовывать его в текст, я впервые за последнюю неделю, попыталась слегка использовать свойства звукового вектора. Работа пошла, свойства получили намек на реализацию, боль отступила.

Поразительно – как все просто! Элементарно и гениально.

Природа не создает ничего просто так, все, что дано нам от рождения, должно быть использовано, должно шевелиться, чтобы созидать. Иначе – страдания – боль, апатия, депрессия – болят нехватки, пустоты внутри растут и давят все сильнее, сбрасывая нас в архетип, в попытки примитивных вариантов наполнения. Уже не ради получения наслаждения, а в порыве хоть как-то наполнить пустоты, хоть чем-то, любым способом.

Но с меня хватит! Я выбираю осознанную реализацию. Да, это не так легко, как потреблять (читать, смотреть, слушать, играть и тому подобное), даже можно сказать, что это достаточно трудоемко и энергозатратно, это неудобно, сложно и не так быстро. Но какие дивиденды!

Хочется еще и больше, а значит хочется работать больше и лучше, пробуешь замахнуться на такие вершины, о которых ранее только мечтательно вздыхал, постепенно начинаешь доверять своему разуму в попытках погрузиться глубже в предмет изучения, понимаешь, что он может-таки найти ответы на многие вопросы, что эти ответы все же существуют, и могут быть твоими, если они тебе нужны.

Наполнение звука это то, что дается очень тяжело, но ощущается просто немыслимым наслаждением.

Можно обманываться всю жизнь, можно скатываться в примитив, пытаясь убежать от реальности в выдуманный мир иллюзий и пустых размышлений, а можно попытаться встать и вытолкнуть себя из прострации, сбить с пути наименьшего сопротивления, выйти из зоны мнимого комфорта и заставить выдать результат, ощутимый плод своих трудов, вполне себе измеримый итог своей мнимой гениальности, уникальное что-то, что создано тобой, и понять в тот момент, что вот для этого ты был рожден, что оно стоило-таки всех вложенных усилий, что это и есть твоя жизнь, твое наслаждение, твое счастье – настоящее, ощутимое, реальное, а поэтому безумно прекрасное.

87 Комментарии

  1. Кстати, через какое? то время я понял, что нас ‘ведут’. То есть профессионально держат в поле своего зрения разные люди. Иными словами, не просто кто? то из присутствующих нами интересовался, это вполне естественно, но у таких людей интерес к нам возникал эпизодически. Поинтересовались и забыли. Кто? то даже подходил, заводил разговоры. Это выглядело естественным. А вот и на первом приеме и на втором было несколько личностей, которые даже не смотрели в нашу сторону, но я чувствовал их постоянный интерес к нам. И они старались не упускать нас из своего поля зрения. Вот так, вроде не смотрят, даже ауры показывают спокойный рассеянный интерес ко всем и ни к кому конкретно, однако сам я чувствовал направленное на нас внимание. Заметил это я, вернее вынес смутные ощущения из подсознания на сознательный уровень, когда в глаза мне бросилась некая нестыковка. На первом приеме молодая девушка неудачно уронила на пол бокал, который разбился с резким звуком. Так вот — у всех ауры отреагировали вполне естественно, смещением или изменением окраса, изменением объема. А у одного человека, находившегося рядом с произошедшим, аура вообще даже не дернулась. Можно было бы предположить, что он слепой и глухой, но это было не так. Так что оставались или хорошая маскировка, или железобетонный контроль чувств. Вот я и заинтересовался и даже увлекся вычислением таких типов. Что примечательно — в центре сосредоточения чародейства и чародеев следили за нами без использования чародейства. Ну, наверное, как? то все же использовали, например тот же контроль своих аур, может еще что, но напрямую и против нас — нет. Забавно. Главное, чтобы и дальше это оставалось лишь забавой.

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